When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.