This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters