i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.