[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
You Might Also Like
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”