If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
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my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”