– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments