Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.