If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth