Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now