Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED