Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.