“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
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My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
i- i did not expect this
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Is this a threat?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.