Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
spot the difference
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .