“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
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You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky