I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
this is how life feels
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.