Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
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Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update