I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.