When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?