Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Breaking news:
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.