Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
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I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.