Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
sigh
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*