the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.