Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Danger is very dangerous
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*