every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
You Might Also Like
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.