My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
i will not be silenced
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work