I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.