*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.