I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Confused owl: What?!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I wanna be friends with this person
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
#MeanwhileInCanada
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”