Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk