Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
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If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.