NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry