BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“i am a sweet baby”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.