Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The symmetry is uncanny.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?