[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display