He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me