Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
(yawn)
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
okay run it by me one more time
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again