Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes