[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”