I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Fights fire with marshmallows
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]