Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
the red hot silly peppers
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
FINE, I WON’T.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.