everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
good work, everybody
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”