Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
then why did i get this email
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.