a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
This guy’s not having it 😆
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go