Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Goat cheese is for herders.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants