I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Happy Thanksgiving
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.