I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.