ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
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Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?