Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst