Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.