If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.